Catherine Tate British-Japan Anime Collab Show Episode 1
by kukuruwataminesan
Summary: What happens when you put anime with Catherine Tate's characters? You get your weekly funny dose!
1. Chapter 1: Nan and the Moe Complex

OPENING TITLES  
The Catherine Tate Show

Sketch 1: Nan and the Moe complex  
Featuring: Nan and Miyuki Takara with her cousin, Natsumi Takara from Lucky Star

_Nan is just reading a book. Jamie comes in with two people._

JAMIE: Hello, Nan!

NAN: Hello, Jamie! Ooh, who have you got here?

JAMIE: I just need to give them something. They'll be out in a bit. This is Miyuki Takara, and this is her cousin, Natsumi.

NATSUMI AND MIYUKI: Hi!

NAN: Hello! Oh! Look at you two! You, with that big chest of yours! And you, the boy who looks like a girl! That's nice! What a fucking liberty!

NATSUMI: Thanks!

NAN: So, sit down, tell me what you do.

_Natsumi and Miyuki sit down._

MIYUKI: I work at the information centre back at home.

NATSUKI: I work at a different information centre. Down Cardiff way, I think.

NAN: Nice! So, what are you like?

NATSUMI: Natsumi is a Japanese girl's name. Some reason, I like partly girly things. See, I have two bobby pins in my hair.

NAN: Are you a fucking girl?

NATSUMI: No! I'm a boy!

NAN: Off your fucking nut, you are! Huuup! What about you, girl?

MIYUKI: I tend to be a bit clumsy. A friend told me that I'm clumsy and sexy.

NAN: Sexy? You look like a fucking prostitute!

NATSUMI: I think she prefers the term "cow" to "fucking prostitute".

NAN: Well, it's too fucking late .co .uk!

NATSUMI: Jamie, do you have the DVDs?

JAMIE: Yep, here you are!

NATSUMI: Well, we'd better be going. Bye!

NAN: Bye bye!  
_(Natsumi and Miyuki walk out the door with Jamie)  
__(yells from the window) _Take your fucking DVDs and fark off, you fucking prostitute and asbo!


	2. Chapter 2: Lauren and the Poor

Sketch 2: Lauren and the Poor  
Featuring: Lauren Cooper and Hikage Miyakawa

_Lauren is walking through a supermarket. She sees a tryout stall._

HIKAGE: Hello, miss. Would you care to try our newest product?  
_(hands Lauren a cup with some food)_

LAUREN: That's nice! What's that?

HIKAGE: It's called honey soy chicken, cooked in lemon Coke.

LAUREN: No wonder it tastes like rotting flesh!

HIKAGE: _(whispering to Lauren)_ Please, would you like to buy it? Please, my sister wastes all her money on anime and I actually need some!  
_(in a begging tone) _Please, just buy it!

LAUREN: Are you disrespecting me?

HIKAGE: Sorry, it's just, our parents ran away and I've had to go vegetarian for a long time…

LAUREN: Are you calling me a pikey?

HIKAGE: No no no! It's just… we're poor. So, can you help me out?

LAUREN: You want me to help you out?  
_(Hikage nods.)  
_Well shut up, then.

HIKAGE: Sorry, miss. I've been so embarrassing.

LAUREN: _(like she doesn't care)_ Am I bovvered?  
_(Hikage tries to talk, but Lauren keeps talking over her)  
_Look at my face, look at my face, does it look bovvered? No, it's not bovvered, sister, your bitch, anime, lesbians, manga, chicken Coke, I ain't bovvered!

_Fade to a little while later, as Hikage is leaving the supermarket, Lauren sees her._

LAUREN: _(shouting)_ I still ain't bovvered!


	3. Chapter 3: Strange Waiter

Sketch 3: Strange Miss Kusakabe (short sketch)  
Featuring: Aga Saga Woman and Misao Kusakabe

_The Aga Saga Woman, Thomas and Chloe are at a fancy restaurant._

WOMAN: Excuse me, waiter?

WAITER: What can I get you, madam?

WOMAN: I would like one steak, medium-rare, with chips and salad.

CHLOE: I would like a steak burger.

THOMAS: And I would like fish and chips.

_Later, the waitress, Misao, brings them their meals._

MISAO: Here you go, y'all! Enjoy!

WOMAN: Don't look her in the eyes! Please don't kill us, we mean you no harm!


	4. Chapter 4: Kate and Ellen

Sketch 4: Kate and Ellen  
Featuring: Kate and Ellen

_Kate and Ellen are working at their computers._

ELLEN: I love that Takanami Izumi.

KATE: Who doesn't?

ELLEN: I loved his song, "Queen". _(hums Tian Hou by Andrew Tan) _Guess how big his wife's chest is.

KATE: I don't have a clue!

ELLEN: You'll never guess! But try!

KATE: Um…

ELLEN: Have a guess! Come on!

KATE: Double D?

ELLEN: Double D? She isn't a prostitute!

KATE: H!

ELLEN: H? She isn't a mutant!

KATE: Is she a B cup?

ELLEN: No! She's an A cup!

KATE: A cup? I had no idea! She's practically got no boobs!

ELLEN: Yes, she does?

_Slight pause._

KATE: How many times does Takanaki kiss Konata?

ELLEN: Oh, piss off!


	5. Chapter 5: Cosplay Cafe Review

Scene 5: Cosplay Café Review  
Featuring: Janice and Ray

JANICE: So, we just came back from Tokyo…

RAY: Listen to this.

JANICE: We went to a café one time.

RAY: Listen to this.

JANICE: The waitress called me "Master."

RAY: Famous last words.

JANICE: Our waitress was an American, but she was actually Japanese.

RAY: And she attracted all the perverts in the crowd outside!

JANICE: So, we ordered omelette rice and teas each. The price was reasonable.

RAY: Listen to this.

JANICE: Guess how we ate the rice.

RAY: Now this is unbelievable.

JANICE: We were spoon-fed. We were spoon-fed like babies.

RAY: Spoon-fed?

JANICE: We were spoon-fed like babies.

RAY: Dirty bastards.

JANICE: This was in Tokyo.

RAY: Spoon-feeding? Like a one-year old? I was looking for a pub!

JANICE: But reasonable price though. Ten pounds.

RAY: And that was her one with the tea!

JANICE: The dirty, evil, attractive bastards!


	6. Chapter 6: Lucky Channel

Intermission scene: A cat?  
Lucky Star!

* * *

Scene 6: Lucky Channel!? I ain't bovvered!  
Featuring: Akira Kogami, Lauren Cooper, Minoru Shiraishi, Nan

Lucky Channel!

AKIRA: Hiya luckies! Time for a special episode of Lucky Channel! I'm your navigator, Akira Kogami, and this is my guest assistant, Lauren Cooper!

_Music stops._

LAUREN: All right?

AKIRA: Apparently my assistant is busy out in the foyer, so he won't be here for a while.

* * *

_Cut scene to the foyer, with Minoru and Nan. Minoru is sitting, bored._

NAN: So I was at the train station yesterday and I saw that girlfriend of yours on the billboard, I was like, "She's 14!" What a fucking liberty!

* * *

_Back at the studio._

AKIRA: In today's episode, we'll show you the characters you saw earlier in the show!

LAUREN: Right, first up, I got some chick named Miyuki Takara. She's 21 years old, she's clumsy, but she ain't even bovvered. Look at her face, her face doesn't look bovvered.

AKIRA: She doesn't play video games, she doesn't like going to the dentist and she can recite encyclopaedic definitions when it is needed.

* * *

_Back at the foyer._

NAN: Isn't that that prostitute girl I saw this morning?

* * *

_Back at the studio._

AKIRA: Next, we have Hikage Miyakawa.

LAUREN: Wait a minnit, isn't that the pikey I saw earlier?

AKIRA: She's nine years old and…

LAUREN: Nine years old? She's definitely a pikey!

AKIRA: She dislikes the otaku culture because her sister is an otaku and spends their income on anime and manga.

* * *

_Back at the foyer._

NAN: Oh, she want shootin', she really does!

* * *

_Back at the studio._

LAUREN: Next up, we got Misao Kusakabe. She looks like a vampire, but she ain't even bovvered.

AKIRA: She's a bit Southern, but she's a cute Cockney!

* * *

_Back at the foyer._

NAN: What a fucking pansy!

* * *

_Back at the studio._

AKIRA: Next up, we have the queen of moe. Konata Izumi! She's 22 years old and she's married to Takanami Nonoya! What a cute couple!

LAUREN: I ain't bovvered.

AKIRA: Konata can be smart at times. She's short and flat chested, but what did her husband think of her? I interviewed Takanami recently.

* * *

_Interview with Takanami Izumi._

AKIRA: So, your wife is short and flat chested, what do you think of her? Men these days, they only like girls with big chests!

TAKANAMI: Frankly, I love her. In my view, I think having a flat chest means you're closer to her heart.

* * *

_Back at the foyer._

MINORU: Hey, look at the TV! Aren't they cute?

NAN: What a fucking frigger!

* * *

_Back at the studio._

LAUREN: I love how she doesn't have any Bristols, but she ain't even bovvered. I like her style.

AKIRA: Lastly, we have lovely Patricia Martin, from the United States.

LAUREN: Wait, so she's a yank?

AKIRA: I guess so. Patricia is an otaku, she enjoys Japanese music and she's blonde! How many blondes can you see in a Hong Kong café?

* * *

_Back at the foyer._

NAN: I don't go to cafés much, too many clumsy whacks! Don't she look slutty!

MINORU: That's it, Akira's dumping me. I'd better go back.

NAN: Oi! Where are you going?

* * *

_Back at the studio._

AKIRA: Well, that was fun, but we've run out of time! The BBC's only hired us for one show, so we won't get to see you next time! Aww, that's sad. But I'll see you next time! Bye-ni!


End file.
